Lord, help me to see it from the middle

Tomorrow is my PET Scan. Bright and early - 6:30 am we have to be there so I can get the vitals taken, get me prepped then shoot me with some kind of radioactive dye, as I understand it.

The process alone is not something to look forward to. It may take about 3 hours total and 1/2 hour or more of that is laying flat on my back while the actual scan takes place. Flat on my back is still not easy. After the recent surgery, my neck and throat are swollen again putting pressure on my airway on top of the trouble I have with my airway to begin with. We will see how all that works out,

But the whole purpose of the scan is to get results. And that is the difficult part right now. The full body scan will reveal where all the cancer has traveled to and to what intensity.

I look one way and I see a minor amount of cancer contained in one area. We know it is still in my oral cavity and I am hoping it has not ventured farther than that. There is the concern of the reconstructive surgery that may be necessary. Another of the many variables. I was assured by the nurse that they are very good at reconstruction - that little, if any, deformation would result.

Then I look the other way and I see darkness, gloom, the end of my days. I have seen many since I have first stepped into this cancer journey that have reached terminal status. It is possible. That is the logical part of me taking over. But what are the chances? I really do not know and the doctors and nurses are very careful to not speculate on my condition until they have all the data. I understand that completely.

So why do I find it difficult to stay focused in the middle. That it may go either way and I just need to find comfort somehow until the results are in - and that may be several days after the scan itself.

Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

I admit, my Faith is not unfaltering, but that is something I am working on. This is an ideal time for me to come to terms and turn this dilemma over to the hands of God, to place my Faith unto Him. I try and I am trying harder now that I have in the past.

I can only win. I submit to the tests and the prognosis of the doctors that I have entrusted my life with. I will do all that they say.

With that, all that is left is what is going on in my mind and I can choose the bad or the good or I can remain in the middle and pray that I will accept whatever God has in store for me and accept that He knows best.