Lord, help me to see it from the middle

Tomorrow is my PET Scan. Bright and early - 6:30 am we have to be there so I can get the vitals taken, get me prepped then shoot me with some kind of radioactive dye, as I understand it.

The process alone is not something to look forward to. It may take about 3 hours total and 1/2 hour or more of that is laying flat on my back while the actual scan takes place. Flat on my back is still not easy. After the recent surgery, my neck and throat are swollen again putting pressure on my airway on top of the trouble I have with my airway to begin with. We will see how all that works out,

But the whole purpose of the scan is to get results. And that is the difficult part right now. The full body scan will reveal where all the cancer has traveled to and to what intensity.

I look one way and I see a minor amount of cancer contained in one area. We know it is still in my oral cavity and I am hoping it has not ventured farther than that. There is the concern of the reconstructive surgery that may be necessary. Another of the many variables. I was assured by the nurse that they are very good at reconstruction - that little, if any, deformation would result.

Then I look the other way and I see darkness, gloom, the end of my days. I have seen many since I have first stepped into this cancer journey that have reached terminal status. It is possible. That is the logical part of me taking over. But what are the chances? I really do not know and the doctors and nurses are very careful to not speculate on my condition until they have all the data. I understand that completely.

So why do I find it difficult to stay focused in the middle. That it may go either way and I just need to find comfort somehow until the results are in - and that may be several days after the scan itself.

Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

I admit, my Faith is not unfaltering, but that is something I am working on. This is an ideal time for me to come to terms and turn this dilemma over to the hands of God, to place my Faith unto Him. I try and I am trying harder now that I have in the past.

I can only win. I submit to the tests and the prognosis of the doctors that I have entrusted my life with. I will do all that they say.

With that, all that is left is what is going on in my mind and I can choose the bad or the good or I can remain in the middle and pray that I will accept whatever God has in store for me and accept that He knows best.

Will I ever be able to eat normally again?

Percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) Tube feeding device

Much of what we do in the course of our daily lives involves many things that we simply take for granted. We don't give a lot of these much thought, it's all just part of what we do.

Some of these things include breathing, talking, tasting, swallowing and eating. Sounds easy enough, but with oral cancer, some or all of these "easy" tasks may become nearly impossible.

Breathing is a must. Talking, I suppose, if we had to, could do without. It is not essential for life. Eating and swallowing are two areas I am addressing here.

Since the initial surgery in March, I have been getting my nourishment through a feeding tube. The doctors specified Glucerna with 350 calories. I try to eat in the normal way through my mouth, but there are two critical components of eating and swallowing that have changed as a result of the surgery.

The first is that all of my lower teeth were removed to try to eliminate the cancer cells in the jaw and gums. I can try to eat soft foods, but there is another problem.

The surgeon had to take part of my tongue since there were cancer cells in it. They did their best to reconstruct it, but the good part of the tongue works, it's the other part that just kind of dangles and tries to follow the rest of the tongue.

Most do not realize this since it is a normal reaction, but when I put food in my mouth I an unable to maneuver the food to send it down the throat.

I have tried and tried to eat. I think of some food that might work and it doesn't. Strained soup, "wet" mashed potatoes with gravy, moist puddings all seem to work fairly well. If any of it is somewhat dry, the food just kind of sits there in my mouth and no matter how I move my tongue, it won't go anywhere other than where it is.

I cannot tell you how difficult it is to walk up and down the aisles at the grocery store and see all the food I used to love. But all I can do is look at it. It's just another thing I can see but cannot do.

So many things I miss but I have to adjust; I have to find alternatives or I will simply drown in my own sorrows and that is something I don't want that to happen.

We have been looking in some of the support group pages on facebook and some actually take the dinner others are having and blend it up into a consistency that will work.

The holidays are coming. The "Food" holidays - those associated with get-togethers, pot-lucks, work-related dinners and of course the abundance of food and treats at home. We will find alternatives. We have to.

In fact, if the readers here have ideas, let me know. Maybe we can start an online cookbook of sorts. If we get enough recipes, we can even segregate by consistency.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Find alternatives, find what works for you. It may take awhile and it may at first seem frustrating, but eventually, it will all work out.

Faith

Three things we need when faced with cancer are Faith, Hope and Courage. But what happens when one or all of these become difficult to muster?

We pray, we ask for help and we often beg for help. Sometimes, that help does not always come when we want it it. Sometimes it seems it does not come at all. Where do we turn to then?

Faith is a difficult and delicate subject. Some pray and may have an entire team praying with them but it seems all efforts fail. We cannot explain how God works. When we see a loved one die or a small child suffering from cancer it's easy for us to wonder where God was and even ask if he even cares.

We have to maintain the Faith that God does care, that He does listen to our prayers and that there must be some divine plan that we are unable to understand.

Proverbs 2:8

for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.

He does not proclaim that He will keep any of us free from death, but he does provide for us eternal life in the Kingdom of Heaven. Death, we have to understand, is a part of the life cycle.

Ultimately, I have to understand and have the Faith that God cares for me while I struggle with cancer. I have to believe that there is comfort in trusting Him and that there will be eternal comfort if I should perish.

My time here will be that much more meaningful when I live my life the best I can. To serve Him with all my heart and to always try to do unto others the way I would want them to do unto me. We have all heard that before but we often find it easier to turn the other way.

What we ask of others as we battle cancer should help us to know what others want and need. In doing good, our work is pleasing in the eyes of God.

The waiting game

One thing we have been exposed to often throughout this entire roller coaster ride is waiting.

We wait for lab tests, wait for scan results, wait to get calls back about issues of concern. Sometimes the wait is short and the resolution is simple and sweet.

Other times, and this happens more often, the process is very complex and we have to wait and wait. It seems our wait is almost endless. Waiting to hear the results that are a matter of life and death are difficult. They play on our minds, our senses, our entire thought process.

I touched on this subject with a good friend who is waiting on results to determine what is causing double vision in one eye. He is a man of intense Faith and I admire him greatly.

We discussed how it is always better to not speculate while we wait. The fact is, we simply do not know what is going on and our minds can take us to extremes that only caused even greater anxiety and stress.

Looking to the Bible, Psalms references waiting several times. Looking at them all, the message is quite evident: wait in confidence that the Lord hears our prayers, He knows we are waiting and asks that we have the strength and the courage to trust Him.

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 33:20

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 40:1

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.

Psalm 130:5

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.

He knows my concerns, He knows my family is concerned as well as my friends and associates. He has got it covered.

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

What's next for the insurance industry: Pre-authorizations required for defibrillator procedures?

I had mentioned the biopsy taken during the surgery to remove the enlarged lymph node. During the surgery, the lymph node could not be found, but the biopsy revealed that more cancer was found in my gum and jaw.

I was taken back. I had honestly felt I was on the rode to recovery. I was ready to call myself a "survivor." I cannot do that now.

What's next for me is a complete PET Scan to reveal how extensive the cancer is and where it may have traveled to.

The PET Scan is scheduled for Wednesday, November 12. The insurance company, however, threw us a major curve ball:

This was taken directly from my facebook page:

We may have a hold up thanks to the insurance company. Evidently, they need pre-approval for the PET Scan. The hospital office called today and said they are doing all they can to submit the paperwork, but if it does not go through, I have to sign responsibility for the bill. That is not possible, I could never afford it. So what does this mean? The cancer blue meanies will have a great time spreading to any part of my body they want to while we wait for the insurance company. That is so wrong. They are supposed to be concerned about my health. This is my life we are talking about. I don't see that they really care.

Here are some responses:

Phil: The insurance companies have earned your anger..... Praying that God keeps everything under control until the insurance company and the hospital gets their heads out of their collective back ends....... The stress that they are put you and Vida through is totally unnecessary.

Joe: Rule number one: worry about bills later. Seriously.

Karen: I have had cancer, spent almost a year at Duke University Medical Center, and I know your plight. Focus on your health and sign whatever you have to in order to get the treatment you need. Your health is your wealth, the money stuff will work itself out.

Shelaine: Call the insurance company and tell them it's a life-threatening situation. Demand immediate action. If you get the run around, ask the person how would they feel if the roles were reversed. Bombard the insurance company with e-mails. Let them know you need immediate treatment.

Wendy: Let the insurance company know that the doctor made a mistake and now you need a PET scan to see what he missed. You will have approval within a few days.

Eric: Joe's rule #1 is spot on.
It's OK to get frustrated and vent too brotha, better out than in I always say. I liked to scream into a paper bag or make fun of people on the internet

Cammie: I agree Bruce. I know this is tough decisions but nothing is more important right now that stopping this Cancer!!! We will do fundraisers, beg, borrow & plead for your health and for your life! Anytime! I think this needs to happen anyway-you needn't worry about money-only about your life & Vida Bolyard Larson many prayers!

Marlane: Awful to hear this. The added stress alone is horrible at a time when one feels vulnerable enough. I have known this to happen to many people...praying this get resolved...and the test is approved...no one could afford the high cost of these tests...the co-pays are high enough...

Lance: I am thinking about you Sir.

Tammy: That is horrible!! Praying for u & hoping one day karma gets these dam insurance companies!!

Michele: Bruce... I am Praying God's miracles for you! In Jesus Name and by His stripes and healing power! Amen

Karen: Listen to the advice above. Praying for you.

Cherie: Praying for you

Rhonda: You're in my prayers

Carla: Insurance companies - so rich but lacks compassion

Susie: My God, unreal!

Estelle: I don't know the American system, but honestly this sounds barbaric! Get the scans and let them sue you later or something. Just get the treatment stuff DONE first. They can't take it back off you can they

Diana: Unbelievable praying for you!!

Richard: Ive heard so many cases over the years of insurance companies letting people suffer of die because they want their money. I hope you get better soon bruce

David: Praying for you Bruce.

Shirley: Praying for you and Vida. Bruce I had no insurance when I was first diagnosed in 2006. With God's help and a lot of faith I signed repayment agreements and had my first surgery. I managed to pay it off. Many surgeries later I have insurance and I am making payments again on the most recent surgery. A never ending cycle.

Maxine: So sorry you have to deal with this.

Bruce G. Larson Based on all of your comments and suggestions, Vida called the surgeon's office. They are going to get with the powers that be (you know, those people and companies that try to dictate your health based on their own greedy wants and desires) and the PET Scan will likely go as originally planned. Thank you!

Cammie: So grateful you have someone like Vida to advocate for you. My husband does my heavy lifting and usually finds someone with compassion along this journey. Never give up!

Luis: Be patience and trust in God. We are praying for you.

Brittany Maynard: Was it the right choice?

Brittany Family Photo

A little about Brittany from The Brittany Maynard Fund, Compassion & Choices:

"This spring, 29-year-old newlywed Brittany Maynard learned that she had terminal brain cancer. After careful assessment of her prognosis and end-of-life choices, she and her family reluctantly decided to move from their San Francisco Bay Area home to Oregon, one of five states (including Washington, Montana, Vermont and New Mexico) that authorize death with dignity.

Brittany recognizes it is unfair that the vast majority of people cannot access death with dignity because they do not have the resources and time to uproot their family, seek appropriate medical care and establish a support system."

This issue, the right of a person decide if they should live or if they decide to end their life creates a controversy in my own mind. Advocates call it death with dignity. Presumably, in this case, Brittany chose a quick and painless death instead of a long, drawn out death filled with both physical and emotional pain for the patient as well and the family and friends alike.

According to the Oregon Health Authority website: "On October 27, 1997 Oregon enacted the Death with Dignity Act which allows terminally-ill Oregonians to end their lives through the voluntary self-administration of lethal medications, expressly prescribed by a physician for that purpose."

In my case, I would sure have to have more than one and perhaps several opinions if a single physician determined if I was terminally ill with cancer. If you read the earlier posts on this blog, you will recall that my family physician was barely even concerned about the lump in my jaw. It was determined that they will "just keep an eye on it."

Then I went to the Emergency Room twice and on both occasions, I was diagnosed with having a salivary gland stone and both times it was determined that lemon drops will help ease the stone out of the gland and I will be cured.

It was not until I went to the Ear, Nose Throat specialist that they had suspicions that it was something worse and they referred to the Head and Neck Surgery Center at Celebration Health. a fine needle biopsy revealed I actually had cancer - more than three months after the first botched diagnosis.

And actually, when I look back about six years ago, I was hospitalized after I was bitten by a swarm of fire ants while I photographing a fund-raising walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. While I in the hospital, a doctor came in and said he wanted to take a look at things prior to surgery. He lifted the gown up to expose my abdominal area. I asked what he was doing and he said he was checking the area prior to my gall bladder surgery. I set him straight in a hurry and he realized he made a mistake. Thank God an orderly did not make the same mistake and wheel me down to remove my gall bladder.

But this points out how we simply cannot take the word of a single physician when there are issues involving critical health decisions.

Referring to a more recent post on this blog, several physicians, specialists and technicians noted from a CT Scan that a lymph node had grown in size since the last CT Scan. Based on this finding, I was scheduled for surgery to have that lymph node removed.

After surgery, we learned the lymph node in question could not be found. An additional incision was made to look at an area lower from the first incision, hoping the lymph node would be there. It wasn't. Thankfully, there were some other operations they were going to perform during that same surgical procedure.

I am hoping Brttany Maynard and her family had her condition checked, double-checked and triple-checked prior to any decisions being made. If this was the case, I still do not feel I am in a position to judge Brittany or any decisions she may have made. None of us, even Brittany's immediate family, do not know all that was going through her mind when she made the final decision.

Being of sound mind may not even be possible if someone has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was told that if I was not able to undergo the radiation treatments as prescribed, I would only have about five to six months to live. I suppose that can be considered a "conditional terminal disease."

I decided I was going to take this head on and do everything I could to beat this cancer that was threatening my life. But again, I did not have an absolute terminal illness. So who am I to say what Brittany was felling. I simply cannot say.

I have seen a friend  die slowly in hospice, but I cannot say he was in pain. He responded to those he loved. Up until the end, he showed the love he had for his wife in the best way he was able to. He was diagnosed as terminal when it was determined that there were no other treatment plans available that could help him.

On the other side, I have many profess that they were given a maximum life expectancy. In other words, they were told they had one year or five years, etc. to live yet they far surpassed the estimate by several years and they were still going strong.

Did Brittany make the right decision? I do not feel I am in a position to say. It is her life and her family was with her all long the way. Surrounded by loved ones until your final breath sounds like a dignified way to die.

Rest easy, Brittany. If there is now a debate as to whether you are in heaven or hell - well that is not for me or anyone else to say either. That decision is in loving hands of our Almighty Father. And that is fine with me. I trust Him and have faith in Him.

Miracles: How do we explain them or should we even try?

Bruce Larson after the October 28 surgery

Today is October 29, 2014. I had surgery yesterday to remove 2 nodules left behind from the previous surgery in March, 2014 and to remove a lymph node that had grown in size from the previous CT Scan. A biopsy will also be taken from inside the mouth along the gums.

In the course of the surgery, the doctor came out to discuss the progress with Vida. He said he could not find the lymph node! The very lymph node that appeared on the CT Scan and referenced on the scan results report. There is a story behind this I want to share.

When Vida's daughter, Jessie, first learned of my cancer several months ago, she wanted me to go to a revival service with David E. Taylor. He is referred to as an "Apostle" and travels throughout the country and to various other countries to spread the word of Jesus Christ. He is also known as a "healer" and has evidently cured many of their cancer. Jessie is in the US Army stationed in Texas. She told me she has been to several of David E. Taylor's revivals and that he can heal my cancer. All of the revivals were in cities far away until October when he came to Orlando. I decided I would go, but Vida was not interested. I was disappointed, but told Jessie I would go even if Vida did not. The night of the revival, Vida decided to go with me.

We were the first guests to arrive at Victorious Living Church in Orlando where we were warmly greeted by a member of the church staff. He asked why we came and I told him about the cancer situation. Once the service started, we saw him sitting on the stage with other church “dignitaries.” Everyone we met was extremely nice and most went out of their way to greet us and welcome us into their church. That was very impressive and sadly that is not seen very often.

The congregation was predominantly Black and it was quite a lively Gospel-in-motion explosion that kicked off the event. It was a very active and animated congregation that was dancing in the aisles and waving their hands giving thanks to Jesus Christ. The feelings and emotions generated in that sanctuary were contagious. And when a member of the congregation yelled out “Amen,” we could tell they meant it. There was no acting out or pretense. It was, and remains, fascinating.

Once Apostle David entered into the service, it became a revival. One definition

David E. Taylor Revival in Orlando

of revival is “restoration to life, consciousness, vigor, etc.” The term, revival, I think, has a bad name. I used to hear the word and I would immediately think of a tent set up with false prophets out to make a quick and easy buck. My perception has changed. At least when it comes to David E. Taylor. He said that he felt there were five people present that had cancer.

A long and complex process took place when Apostle David cast out any sicknesses that may have been in the congregation. Then, one by one, people lined up at the stage to explain what aliment they had such as back pain, migraine headache, bum knee, fibromyalgia, etc. I stood in line to tell my story, but it seemed most said that they had felt a sensation come over them when Apostle David cast the illnesses out. I did not feel any sensation and I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere, so I walked back to my seat with Vida. As the professions continued, I started to hear others say they didn't feel some spiritual sensation either. It was also interesting that four people had come up and said cancer was their ailment.

It was getting close to the end of the line in front of the stage and the gentleman from the church we met when we first walked put his arm around me and asked if I was going to go up. I expressed my concern and he said it would be fine. I proceeded back to the front.

When it was my turn, I walked up onto the stage and explained to Kathleen about the cancer I have. I also whispered that we know someone in common – Jessie. She smiled and nodded that she knew who I was referring to. I then proceeded up to Apostle David. We discussed the cancer, the radiation and chemotherapy treatments and the lymph node that had to be removed. Apostle David also pointed out that I was the fifth cancer patient there that night. He assured me that the lymph node was removed and that there would be no cancer. He also emphasized that I confirm this with the doctors. Apostle David asked me to raise my hands while he said a special prayer for me. I learned later that the entire congregation stood and raised their hands with me, joining into the prayer on my behalf.

I thanked him, then we hugged and I started back to my seat. Before I made it back, he asked Vida and I to both come up. Apostle David commented on Vida's “flowing white hair,” and how much he liked it and she and I walked up the stage. The three of us held hands and Apostle David said God had instructed him to say a prayer for her since she was my caregiver throughout my journey with cancer. He said that was a big responsibility and that she needed the assurance that God is watching over her too.

So, jumping back to October 28, we can only believe that a miracle took place. The doctor told Vida he could not find the lymph node in question and Vida told the doctor she had a feeling something like that would happen. He asked why she felt that way. “Prayer?” he asked. Vida affirmed the question.

Now we are just waiting on the results of the biopsy that was taken from the floor of my mouth. These results will be in next week.

Miracles: How do we explain them or should we even try?